The War Against the Sues
by schnouzi
Summary: A multitude of Sues steps into Hogwarts. What awaits these poor dimwitted creatures? R&R, please.
1. Chapter 1: The Purple Sue

**The War Against the Sue**

Yana Mandrakallyn Beezlebub Kanda glided gracefully into the Great Hall. Her long naturally-lavender hair glittered like a wet, purple flower and her light purple eyes with purple pupils gazed at everyone in the Hall majestically.

Dumbledore watched her silently, a smile flickering on his face. McGonagall covered her face with her hands and sighed. Snape looked like he desperately wanted to use a very dangerous Unforgivable curse on a particular someone.

"Hello, everyone," Yana's voice was scarcely loud enough for everyone to hear her, "I'm an exchange student from Canada, hence my beauty and accent. I was transferred here from Poudlard, L'Ecole de Magie. We don't use wands there, so I haven't bought one. I won't be needing one. I will now be sorted."

She muttered "Accio Sorting Hat," and it flew into her long-fingered and long-taloned hands. She put it on her head.

"Well, well, well, here we seem to have a Mary Sue…" said the Sorting Hat out loud, "we don't have a house for those…I suppose I'll have to put you in…SPARKLYP—HUFFLEPUFF!"

The Hufflepuffs groaned so loudly that the sound was noisier than Gryffindor's cheering in Harry Potter's first year when they won the House Cup.

"OH MY GOD YOU DIRTY PIECE OF CLOTH! I KEEL YOU! I DON'T WANT TO BE IN HUFFLEPUFF I'M SUPPOSED TO BE IN GRYFFINDOR! YOU BITCH!"

The Hat disappeared and Yana was left to look slightly idiotic yelling at thin air, even more so than when she was yelling at a hat.

She instantly stopped, and gracefully walked past the Slytherin table, winking at Draco Malfoy.

"Did it just—did that Sue just—did I just—did it just WINK at me?" gasped Draco in horror. Pansy Parkinson patted Draco's shoulder.

"Don't worry about it, they'll get rid of it soon."

"So how do you reckon they'll finish this one off?" asked Harry.

"Oh, I think this one's for Professor Snape," said Hermione darkly.

"I think I want to sleep with her," sighed Ron as he gazed at the Sue.

Hermione snorted.

"I can make another flock of canaries, you know, Ron," said she.

Ron jumped.

"Watch it!" he said as he instinctively raised his arms in front of his freckled face.

Later that day, after a few hours of strutting and sucking up to hot males, Yana marched into the Potions classroom, followed by a handful of drooling boys. The Hufflepuffs and Ravenclaws took their seats in the room.

Snape glided into the room with a strut that was almost equal to Ya—"Crucio!"—AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! sorry, Snape.

Snape walked into the room in a perfectly normal way, thank you very much, and surveyed the class until he saw Yana.

"Ah, our new…_celebrity_," snarled Snape, seeing the purple-haired female in heat surrounded by unneutered mutts.

He set the class to work on a Draught of Painful Death, which proved to be a rather difficult potion. Yana, of course, made hers the best in the class. All her classmates except for the still-drooling adolescents glared at her.

"Well, well, well," sneered Snape as he passed Yana's table. "So, Beelzebub—"

"It's BEEZLEBUB, you bastard!" shouted Yana. All of a sudden (and yet, not surprisingly), she burst into tears. Purple tears.

"I'm so sorry, Sev, it's just that…well, I was killed eleven years ago—"

"I wonder who did it, I need to write that person a declaration of love," said a bisexual girl in the class.

"—and well then I went to heaven. I lived there happily for two years of your time, and then I was thrown out, a fallen angel. My wings were ripped off. All because…well…I had a last name that sounded like that on the Devil. And now, since I was thrown back down here, I was really offended when people say my name wrong. Sorry Sev," concluded the S—Yana lamely.

Snape had his right hand in his pocket and it twitched, obviously itching to take out his wand.

Forcing a fatherly smile and a sweet voice, the Professor said, "Well then, Yana dear, I just wanted to say that your potion looks _wonderful_. Now, the Draught of Painful Death is a very deceiving potion. It may look correct, but we need a test subject to see if it's _truly _well done…"


	2. Chapter 2: The Two Sues

**Warning: **This chapter contains an HBP spoiler.

Yana smiled, completely oblivious to the evil thoughts crossing Snape's mind.

"So, who would like to suggest a test subject?" asked Snape, smirking.

Everyone in the class, Yana included, raised their hands. Snape chose a name at random, careful not to choose one of the Sue's idiotic followers.

"Macmillan, what do you have for us?" inquired Snape, hoping that Ernie would catch on to his plan.

"Well, sir, I'm not sure, but how about a Mary Sue?" said he. Snape glanced at Yana.

"Why, yes, that is a wonderful idea. Who can find me a Sue?"

"Wouldn't the maker of the excellent potion be a good candid—" started Justin Finch-Fletchly, just as Millicent Bulstrode burst into the room.

"Sorry for interrupting, Professor," she started, when she saw the Potions Master's livid face, "but Professor McGonagall has got a Sue who thinks she's the professor's daughter."

Snape smiled. "Might as well have two _test subjects_," said he as he marched out of the room. "You will not move or speak while I'm gone," he hissed.

Yana yawned. When the door closed, she whooped and started belly dancing. Her gang of gazing boys watched in a trance. The rest of the class hissed at her to shut up and sit down.

"Oh come on, you wusses, afraid of little Snapey?" she said as she reached a particularly slutty part in her dance.

"More like afraid for you," snorted a Ravenclaw.

"No way, I'm all for it. Dance on, my little swan," said another. "When he comes in and sees her, he'll just want her to have an even more painful death. It'll be fun," he whispered to his appalled friend.

A few minutes of painful belly dancing later, a harassed-looking Snape came in carrying the unconscious body of a BritneySpears!Sue. She had a very short skirt and a shirt revealing all of her curves-in-all-the-right-places. Her closed eyes showed the heap of mascara she had painted on her eyelashes. Her lips were so red that if a Daltonian were to look at them, they'd be as green as freshly mown wet grass; she had four-inch high heels, and no respect whatsoever for the Hogwarts dress code.

Snape stopped dead at the sight of he dancing Yana, who seemed oblivious to everything but her enchanted gazers and her dance.

"Why the _hell_," roared Snape, a roar that could easily scare a mouse away from the largest bowl of cheese fondue, "are you dancing in my classroom? And while we're on the subject of rhetorical questions, why do you exist?"

Yana walked up to him, her nose a foot from his, and said, "I'm an original, well-thought-out character. I can dance. I was entertaining the class while you were gone fetching this _Sue_," she said the last word scornfully, as though a Mary Sue was as evil as a Draught of Painful Death, which it was; but unfortunately she was a Sue too, so she couldn't really think that a Sue is bad because she's one too.

Again, Snape heroically (and painfully) forced a convincing smile and said, "Yes, I _do _hate Sues, they are so annoying. Maybe we can use this one as a test subject?"

At that, Snape uttered the counter-curse and the Sue awoke in his arms. Snape immediately let go, and muttered, "Scourgify!" pointing his wand at his arms and hands.

"Omg hi Sevvie! U woke me up! I luv u," and suddenly Snape became frighteningly beautiful. His face was pure white, his long, silky black hair flowed behind him and his nose was miraculously straight.

"Oh Valeria, how I love you. You were meant for me," he purred as he took her into his arms.

"OH MY GOD! YOU BITCH! YOU STOLE MY SEV FROM ME!" snarled Yana, and a Sue-fight commenced. They threw weak insults at each other, and were often interrupted by Hot!Snape: "Oh, no, please stop, Val, you don't need to, I can kill her, she is insulting you, my darling!"

"Holy crap, what happened to Snape?" tittered the class.

"It's the BritneySpears!Sue, she warped his character!" said a smart person.

"I think we need to kill her," concluded another.

"Both of them," said an unusually short girl.

"And Snape, while we're at it," nodded Ernie.

Hannah Abbott stood up and pointed her wand at Yana. "Petrificus Totalus!" she shouted.

Valeria cheered, "Thankz girl! U helped me out! Ill tell Sevvi hear 2 giv u a good grade!"

Ms. Abbott sunk back into her chair, rocking back and forth in horror.

Dumbledore, who was of course aware of all the goings-on in the school, burst into the room.

"O noes! I 4got 2 warp Dumbeldor!" cried Valeria, but the Suethor could not type fast enough to kill Dumbledore's character.

"Avada Kedavra!" he cried, and the BritneySpears!Sue fell to the floor, motionless.

Snape's grotesque features and personality reappeared.

"Aw, I liked him better when he was hot," whined a girl from the back of the classroom.

"Wha—what—why—what the hell happened?" cried Snape as he looked at the dead Valeria.

"I aided you in your time of need, you bastard, even though you killed me once," said Dumbledore, "well, at least now I have my third Horcr—I mean, at least there's one less Sue," he added hastily.

"I wanted to poison her," whined Snape, "Ohh, I get it," he added as he saw the petrified body of Yana on he floor.

"No hard feelings?" grinned Dumbledore.

"None at all. Would you like to see what happens when Suethors make their character so perfectly smart that it makes a flawless Draught of Painful Death in Potions class?" inquired Snape.

"Gladly," answered the Headmaster.

Snape pointed his wand at Yana and she sprung back to life.

"OMG YOU GUYS SUCK! I CANT BELIEVE YOUD PETRIFY ME! AND I HERD U LIKED MY POTION! THANX!"

Dumbledore made a swishing motion with his wand and Yana's voice fell to a whisper.

"Omg, you have the nerve to devolumise me! I can do it myself, thank you! I was mad so I yelled! So what! You are a bad headmaster! You should have more patience!"

And she pointed at herself and her voice went back to normal.

"Ugh, that wandless crap really makes me want to hurl," said Cho Chang sensibly.

Snape led Yana over to her cauldron and said, "Open wide."

Yana, being the smart girl that she was, crossed her arms and laughed.

"Oh Sev, I love your sense of humor! You'd think you want to kill me!" and she fell into his arms. The professor, horrified, quickly force-fed her quite a bit of the potion.

"AHHHHHGHGHGHGDASGJFFFFFFFFASYUG!" screamed Yana. "AHDFGDYFGD! I'M IN PAIN! AHAGDWYDU! I LOVE YOU SEV! I'M VOLDERMORT'S DAUGHTER! ARGHGgfhsdfjjlpkjhklkl;lgtgdsah," her voice faded away without the help of Dumbledore's wand. At last, writhing and screaming, she stopped shrieking. And then she died.

Meanwhile, a young twelve-year-old girl was cutting herself in the Slytherin dormitory, letting cascades of blood fall on the floor, much to the disgust of the other Slytherin girls. She wore countless spiked bracelets and collars, a rather bright blue, red, and green tie that clashed terribly with her very revealing dark red tube top and her gargantuan black nylon pants, which were adorned with far too many pockets and chains. Her blond-and-black hair made her look like a skunk that was obsessed with Evanescence too much for its own good. The soles of her shoes were about five inches high.

And don't get me started on her makeup.

How she got there, no one knew. Apparently the Suethor had been too lazy to write an origin for her.

Poor Sue, it had no idea what awaited it in this lovely school of magic.


	3. Chapter 3: The Goth Sue

The cutter, whose name was Amy, finally decided that it was starting to hurt too much, and so put down her razor and went off to class.

"You're late," said Professor McGonagall, "five points from Slytherin."

"You are soooo lame, McGonagall. I'm like two mins late and you still find something to critisise. Omg. Look at my arms," said she, crying, as she extended her arms, which were covered in cuts and bruises.

"What you do in your spare time is not my concern, Lee," said the teacher as she turned around and briskly went back to her desk, "Take another five points from Slytherin for spilling blood on the dormitory floor and not cleaning it up," she nodded to Amy's roommates, "and detention for contradicting me. Sit down."

Amy walked slowly over to her desk, got out a notebook, and started writing something. A glance over her shoulder would show:

_Hatred_  
_Fear  
__Desperation  
__I'm alone  
__Cold to the bone  
__What can I do  
__I'm falling  
__I'm crawling  
__My worst nightmares have come true  
__I'm in love with you  
__But you're in love with her  
__So I cut myself  
__Every night  
__I hate you_

Oh yes, Amy Lee was a very good writer. I mean, what Goth!Sue would be complete without the wonderful writing talents?

"Miss Lee, do you wish me to take another five points from Slytherin? You are not following the lesson," hissed McGonagall.

"Sorry, Professor," snarled the girl.

The class tittered.

At free period, they all went into the common room. Amy sat down on a chair in the corner and started writing in her notebook. Finally she got sick of not having a table to place the notebook on, so she walked over to the center of the room. All the tables were occupied, but eachhad some free seats.

"Can I sit he—?"

"No, bitch."

She glared at Millicent and walked over the table where Pansy and Draco were sitting.

"No," said Pansy before Amy could say a word.

"Draco—can I sit next to you?" asked Amy, smiling seductively.

Draco Malfoy started a retort, but the Suethor had warped him before he could refuse.

"Go aw—oh, of course, babe, come 'ere," he smiled shyly and beckoned for her to come. Pansy gasped, snarled at Draco, and marched off to join Millicent.

"So, what's your name?" he asked.

"I'm Amy," she answered, "I know you're Draco Malfoy," she purred as she ran a hand down his face.

"Draco, can I talk to you for a moment?" said Pansy, who had walked over to their table.

"Uh, sure, why?" said he as he walked away.

"You don't know her at all, do you, Draco?" said Pansy.

Draco made a grotesque pain, as if he were in terrible pain, before answering, "N—of course I know her, I've known her since I was born. She's my girlfriend and we're going to get married once we're out of school."

Pansy sighed. _Well, someone will get rid of her soon, I guess_.

Draco made his way back to the table.

"What have you got there?" he asked, looking at the notebook.

"My songs. I'm a really good songwriter," she answered modestly.

Draco took the notebook and read the angsty poems. For a moment his face showed great pain, before he convincingly said, "They are awesome. Where did you learn to write so well?" and a long and tedious conversation ensued.

Their next class was Care of Magical Creatures with Hagrid. Amy walked slowly up to the gamekeeper's cabin, waiting for the others to arrive. Her lipstick was smeared all over her face.

"What happened ter yeh?" asked Hagrid, raising his eyebrows.

"None of your business, you great oaf," said Amy. She wouldn't have said it if there were no one around to listen, of course, but Draco Malfoy had just arrived, some lipstick smeared around his face as well.

Hagrid snorted at both of them and said, "Ten points off Slytherin, an' watch yer mouth or it'll be more."

Harry, Ron, and Hermione came as well, and were soon followed by the other Slytherins and Gryffindors.

"Blimey, Malfoy, are you homosexual or something? You really need to ask a girl's help putting on that lipstick," snorted Ron.

"Ron, lookatthe Sue. They snogged," said Hermione in a muffled voice before she burst out in laughter.

Harry and Ron looked at each other, then at Hermione, and then at Amy and Draco. Then they laughed, too.

Hagrid came over.

"What're yeh two laughin' about? –Ohhh," he laughed as well.

After a lesson that included much laughter, they walked back to their common rooms.

"Omg, Drakie, they laughed at us even when we cleaned up the lipstick," cried Amy, "I'm sooo misunderstood. Have I ever talked to you about my childhood? Well, I was brought up by my horrible parents. They thought I wasn't a witch. My dad beat me and my mum didn't feed me. I was outside all the time, all alone. I then somehow acquired these new very expensive clothes. I have a whole wardrobe full of ties, spiked collars, bracelets, black clothes, and makeup. But that's beside the point. I was hated, so I wore all black to help me feel better. I started listening to Evanescence and they inspired me to write these poems. My parents kicked me out when they saw the bloody mess I'd made in my room from all the cutting. Then I got a Hogwarts letter. Soon afterwards, I got another letter, saying that the first one was a mistake and that I shouldn't come. But just to spite my evil parents, I came and here I am. Everyone hates me and I feel horrible and I cut myself. My arms are covered in cuts and blood and I have a tattoo of a knife on my chest. I'm naturally beautiful. All this makeup is just to emphasise my beauty. I also—"

A jet of light hit her squarely in between the eyes. Nott had shouted "Sectumsempra!". It was a curse he had learned from Snape.

Blood erupted from her face and chest, as though a sword had cut through her.

She didn't even scream. Lying in a pool of her own blood, she sputtered out nonsensical fragments of phrases.

"Colorless black…hatred…death…pain…Evanescence poster…bury it with me…tell her I love her…ahhhhh,"

The Slytherins watched, amused, until Pansy Parkinson screeched, "Crucio!"

The Sue had no breath left to scream, but she writhed silently on the floor. Finally, a merciful seventh-year put her out of her misery.

"Avada Kedavra!"

And the Goth!Sue was no more.

**Author's Note: **It's not over yet!


	4. Chapter 4: The Sue Mione

Herminie had changed over the summer. Her hair was long and straight with blond streaks and her eyes had magically changed color to light blue. She wore heaps of makeup and significantly tight clothes. She, of course, had to stay somewhat in character, so she still wore robes to school and read books.

When she got to Platform nine and three-quarters, she nodded good-bye to her parents and walked through the barrier. Catching up with Ron and Harry, she absent-mindedly said, "Hi, boys. Have you seen Dra—never mind," she added hastily, noticing whom she was talking to.

"Hey 'Minie hun," grinned Ron bashfully as Harry gazed at her curves-in-all-the-right-places. As they walked on the train, for once everyone was staring, entranced, at Herminie.

"Lol I'm not the center of attention now," said Harry, using an acronym found on the Internet. Ron did not bother to ask him what "Lol" meant, as he was too busy watching Herminie's bum move as she walked.

As they walked past the Slytherin compartment, Herminie nodded silently to Draco Malfoy. He blushed and could be seen saying something to his mates. Harry and Ron, of course, did not notice any of this.

They reached an empty compartment and Ron slid the door open, holding it for Herminie. Harry walked in after her, and Ron came last. Herminie sat sandwiched between her two friends.

The journey was uneventful except for when Draco Malfoy came in, apologised to Harry and Ron and Herminie for being mean to them, and came to sit with the trio. Harry, Ron, and Draco all bought something from the trolley to give to Herminie, who of course entertained them all during the whole trip, since she was, after all, perfect.

"Okay, boys, we'll be there in five minutes," said she, getting up, "We'd better get dressed." The males all watched her pull her robes over her head, and they followed suit.

Reaching Hogwarts, Herminie stepped out of the train and whistled a long, resounding note, and a Thestral appeared at her side.

"I watched one of the muggle nerds who hated me die," she said nonchalantly. "Really, it was worth killing him for this." And without further ado, she mounted the horse, beckoned Malfoy to join her, and they set off into the glorious sunset. The Slyffindor duo was at the gates long before the carriages arrived. No one bothered to ask how and why she had gotten a Thestral to herself.

When they entered potions, Snape smiled appreciatively as she calmly and daintily answered all his questions and got the potion right.

In Charms, Flitwick clapped his hands and awarded Herminie twenty points when she performed a perfect Levicorpus charm.

In Transfiguration, McGonagall grinned at her and asked her to stay after class when Herminie Transfigured a desk into a pig flawlessly on her first try.

"You are truly talented," said McGonagall kindly, "Take this," and she gently put a box into Herminie's hands. Herminie smiled and left.

All the lessons went on like this. It would seem the Suethor had permanently taken over Hogwarts and turned it into Sparklypoo.

Herminie and Draco met in the Room of Requirement. It had a large, comfortable bed and beautiful décor.

"What's that?" asked Draco, pointing at the box in Herminie's hands.

"McGonagall gave me something…" she started, as she opened the box.

"Wow!" gasped the two in unison. A white-gold figurine of a Thestral had come out of the box, soaring around the room. Herminie looked at the note inside. It read:

For my baby 

_I love you, Herminine_

Love, Draco 

"Omg, Drakie, I love you," sighed Herminie.

"I love you too, 'Minie," said Draco with a mischievous smile.

You can see where this is going. Well, before the ten-year-old Suethor could finish writing the inappropriate scene, her mother walked into the room. She the Suethor hastily tried to delete the scene, but unfortunately deleted the whole story. Hermione regained her proper name and character and so did the others and they all lived happily ever after.

But you can't expect there to be only four Sues…tune in next week for more Sue-hunting fun!

**Author's Note: **No painful ending, but if I'd killed Herminie, I'd've killed Hermione too, wouldn't I? So yeah.  
And I know this was rather weak, but I had the urge to write about a case where the Suethor had actually warped the entire school.  
I promise the next one will be gory and well-written with lots of details. So bear with me.


	5. Chapter 5: The Winged Sue

**Author's Note: **A good part of this is very violent, so um, if you don't like lotsa pain and erm, cranium-breaking and screaming and salt, don't read it. And I will make more chapters.

Camriella was in her second year at Hogwarts. She was Seeker on the Gryffindor Quidditch team and she was…dun dun dun…an Animagus. Her animal form was a bald eagle, for her home country. She often soared the skies at night, spying on the sleeping children in their dormitories, travelling the world. As a human, her long wavy golden hair rippled gracefully down her back and her stunning blue eyes would change to the darkest of gray when she was irritated or upset. Her school robes were tight around her curves-in-all-the-right-places and underneath, a black tube top and a miniskirt could be seen. She was very tall. Did I mention she had enormous white bat wings?

Camriella and her friends strutted off to breakfast a bit tiredly, after a long night of telling jokes and playing Truth or Dare. They sat in their usual place in the middle of the Gryffindor table. Camriella conjured her own food out of thin air with a flick of her azure-coloured wand. She ate a wonderful breakfast of sweet blue fruits and mint green tea (A/N: just lyk me!1 I luv mint green tee!), because she couldn't afford to get fat.

"Tonight was awesome, wasn't it?" said one of her girlfriends, who was called Mandy.

"Totally cool," declared Camriella with a nod and a grin.

"So are you gonna do it, Cammy? Are you?" chorused her friends.

Camriella flapped her wings and her line of vision crept over to the spot where Harry Potter was sitting.

"Of course," said she.

"But he's in his seventh year! That's like, um, seven years bigger than you!" gasped an intelligent friend of Cammy's.

"_Five _years, and even so, he can't help but fall for me. You dared me to do it last night, so I'm doing it," bragged the Sue.

"Yeah, 'cause you're so pretty. I mean, if I didn't know you, I'd be like, 'omg! Why's that seventh year in second year?' but that would be stupid, 'cause you're too smart to re-do a year five times, you're just really well-developed! You go girl!" said Mandy. Camriella nodded with a smile that showed all her well-developed teeth.

After lunch, they went off to Potions class. Snape walked in and closed the door behind him.

"Hi, class. Turn to page 665 and make me Amortentia, please!" he smiled and went behind his desk.

Camriella conjured all of the ingredients out of thin air and followed the instructions very precisely.

"Two drops of grapefruit juice…simmer for two minutes…" she muttered under her breath, "…three dried Doxy droppings—omg! Ew! —Stir clockwise eight times…"

_Your potion must now be your favorite color, and should smell like all the things you love. If it is incorrect, it will smell putrid._

The bat-winged preteen smelled her beautiful potion.

"Omg, it smells like…omg…honey, popularity, sugar, originality and well-thought-out-ness, and Harry Potter! Omg, we were meant to be!" she breathed.

"Your potions should now be finished," declared Snape as he bounced off to look at everyone's potions, his long and silky black hair billowing behind him.

"Oh, nice, yes, not bad…what is this supposed to be, Longbottom? Hmm, not bad…that merits a P, Mr. Weasley…oh my, Camriella (A/N: he calls her by her first name 'cus she's sooooo awesome! and 'causeI couldn't think of a last name! lolz!), this is a very good potion," he said, raising his clipboard and writing "Outstanding".

After Potions, everyone had break. Harry was sitting in his favorite armchair, looking sadly at the flames in the fireplace. Hermione and Ron were kissing in a corner. Camriella approached Harry shyly, asking, "Can I sit here?"

"Well, it's only one armchair…" started Harry. Camriella squeezed in next to him anyway, looking into his emerald eyes. A few moments passed while the Suethor typed up something along the lines of "Harry fell in love with Camriella."

Harry fell in love with Camriella. He gazed into her beautiful sapphire eyes, feeling dizzy and giddy.

"I…love you, Cam," he whispered.

"I love you too, Harry," answered Camriella, and her lips met his.

A few minutes later, Harry and Camriella's lips were still stuck together. Hermione and Ron came back, hand in hand.

"Oh damn, I forgot," said Hermione.

"Bloody hell," pronounced Ron, staring at the golden-haired girl's wings.

"How old is she, exactly?" asked Hermione.

"Erm, twelve, I think," sneered Ron.

Ron looked at Hermione. Hermione looked at Ron. They nodded their heads and Ron tapped Camriella on the shoulder.

"Wouldn't it be more romantic to kiss outside, by the lake?" said he.

"Oh my! Awesome idea, Ronnie!" said she, forgetting that she had forgotten to warp Ron and Hermione's characters.

The two Sue lovebirds bounced off to sit by the lake. Ron and Hermione stole Harry's invisibility cloak and followed close behind.

"Wait until they kiss again," whispered Hermione.

They did not wait for a long time. A few seconds later, Harry pulled Camriella into a passionate kiss.

"Labiae abrumpere1!" said Hermione, and suddenly the kissers' lips ripped apart, making a sound like a plunger being withdrawn from the toilet.

"Good one, Hermione," murmured Ron with a grin.

Camriella glared at Harry and shouted, "Omg! You retard! Why did you break away?" Harry whimpered, "I didn't, I swear!" Camriella snarled and screeched, "Omg, go away! Omg, I hate you! I wanna be alone here! Ok?"

Harry, astonished, stomped away.

"We've got her alone," said Ron gleefully.

"Expelliarmus!" said Hermione loudly, emerging from underneath the cloak.

"Ahhh! Omg! Beetch! What did you do that for?" shrieked the doomed Sue.

"Just so you can't defend yourself, honey. You should've written yourself as 'capable of deflecting curses without a wand'," sneered Hermione.

"Tarantallegra!" shouted Ron, also taking off the cloak.

Dancing wildly, Camriella screamed curses and swears at them.

"Scourgify!" said Hermione, and Camriella's mouth filled with soap.

Soon, two other students joined the fun: Neville and Luna.

"Furnunculus!" yelled Neville, hitting his victim right on the nose. Her whole face was now covered in boils.

"Good one," chorused Luna, Hermione, and Ron.

"I hear you can transform into an eagle?" said Ron conversationally.

"I can, you bastard," snarled Camriella, and without further ado, did so.

"Crucio!" yelled Hermione, "I've always wondered if that works on animals," she added, watching the eagle writhe and scream on the ground.

Luna stepped on its left wing, emitting a satisfying crack. Camriella instantly turned back into a human, panting.

"Levicorpus" was Ron's next spell, and he directed the unside-down floatinggirl's bodyover the lake, staring at her exposed underwear underneath the robes and skirt.

"Liberacorpus!" said Hermione with a flick of her wand. She then conjured a small boulder to fall on the Sue's head. An ear-splitting scream was cut short as the rock split her head.

"Aw, that wasn't enough," whined Neville.

Hermione lifted the boulder (with her wand, of course), and crudely glued the Sue's skull back together after bringing her back to shore. Camriella didn't have enough brain for the blow to have damaged it.

"Next step: Muggle fighting," declared Luna, taking a Swiss army knife out of her pocket. She carved the word "Mary Sue" on Camriella's exposed thigh.

"AHHHHHHHHHH!" cried the girl, "I DON'T WANNA DIIIIIEEEEEE!"

Neville took a handful of Camriella's hair and beckoned Ron to come over and step on her head. Ron complied, and Neville pulled with all his strength, finally ripping out half of her hair, leaving the scalp red and bloody.

"Anyone got salt?" inquired Luna.

Hermione conjured a saltshaker and sprinkled some onto the Sue's scalp, rubbing it in harshly (with gloves on).

"Should we end its misery?" sighed Neville, watching the Mary Sue crying on the ground, covered in blood and warts.

Luna cut a good-sized hole in Camriella's neck and stuffed it with salt.

They watched the Sue shrivel up and die.

1- labiae abrumpere: separate lips


	6. Chapter 6: The Fairy Sue

**Author's Note: **My apologies for the long wait. I worked hard on this chapter, so if you don't like it...:makes a Crabbe/Goyle-esque face: P

"What's this?" said Ophelia to herself while she was checking the mail. It was a piece of parchment, much unlike the usual mail. Walking back to the dining room, she put the mail on the table, clutching her letter.

"What have you got there, Ophelia, dear?" inquired her sweet mother.

"Golly gee, I don't know, mother," answered Ophelia in a sugary voice, "It feels almost magical," she added.

"Open it! Open it!" cried Ophelia's small brother, who was five years old.

Ophelia slowly opened the envelope. After reading the letter, she gasped, "Oh my gosh! This…it says it's…from a school of witchcraft and…and wizardry?" she looked at her mother, "Did you know about this?"

Her mother was not as quick to believe it.

"Honey, how do you know it's true?"

"Mother, feel it! It _is _magic! I know it is!"

Her brother's eyes widened, as did her mother's.

"So what does it say?"

"It says…it says that they 'await my owl by no later than 31 July, and there's a list of books and things I'll need to get…but…a wand?"

"And you're supposed to get that in London? But how…?"

"But mum…they await my owl?"

At that moment, a flustered-looking grey owl swooped into the room. Ophelia stared at it. Then, she took a piece of paper and wrote "I'm coming" on it. She attached the paper to the owl's leg and it took off.

"Well, let's go to London, mum. I suppose we can ask," said Ophelia, who was not a procrastinator.

Her mother and brother took one last look at Ophelia's letter, and walked out the door, preceded by the witch.

Ophelia was a sweet girl. She had the gift of understanding everyone perfectly, helping everyone, having no enemies. She had mid-back length blond hair and soft honey-colored eyes. Her nose and mouth were beautifully formed, and her figure was gorgeous for one as young as she. She wore a long gold silk gown and white slippers. She was half-fairy. Ophelia's father had divorced her mother before the girl was even born. And she, er, had angel wings. They were golden.

They reached London in half an hour, and started walking around, looking at all the bright shops and laughing people.

"How can we find a wand here?" said Ophelia's brother, Hamlet.

"I don't—look at that door!" gasped Ophelia.

"What door?"

"There—between the book shop and the record shop!"

Her mother squinted, but saw only a wall.

"I see only a wall, honey," said she, fearing for her daughter's sanity.

"Then this must be it!" said Ophelia confidently.

She opened the door confidently and stepped in. It was a pub—the Leaky Cauldron, but Ophelia and her family didn't know that, of course.

"Why, 'ello, new witchy?" leered a buck-toothed wizard. Ophelia nodded politely. She walked up to the bartender and asked, "Where do I go to get a wand?" hoping she would not be laughed at. The bartender looked at her curiously and said, "Muggle-born, eh? Follow me," and he went out to a courtyard outside the pub. He tapped a few bricks and they opened up to form a circle in the wall, showing an alley swarming with witches and wizards.

"Thank you so much, sir!" squealed Ophelia, "And, may I ask what a 'muggle-born' is?"

"It's a witch or wizard born to muggles. Muggles are non-magic folk," he answered.

"Thanks! Bye-bye!" and she hopped into Diagon Alley. Her eyes widened. It was packed with magic. Wands, robes, joke shops, cauldrons…Ophelia glanced at her list and headed off towards Ollivander's wand shop.

"Oh, woe is me," Ollivander was saying to himself when she came in.

"What's wrong, sir?" asked Ophelia, stretching her wings.

"Oh no, not another one," he cried.

"Another what?"

"Another SUE! Get out of my shop!"

Ophelia's face turned red and her eyes narrowed, "I am an original, well-thought-out character. No one else has wings or a body like me, so shut up."

Then, her face went back to normal, and she patted his shoulder.

"There, there, I understand. You are afraid of Mary Sues. But they truly mean no harm! Please be calm—for I am Professor Dumbledore's daughter and—"

"You're WHAT? Oh god, I thought you were Snape's or You-Know-Who's daughter, but the Dumbledore's daughters exist as well—I'm losing track," he sighed resignedly.

Ophelia counted to ten, gave up trying to be a Helpful!Sue to the wand-maker, and said, "Just sell me a wand, please."

After a few tries, Ophelia got a yew wand, nine inches, unicorn hair.

"Oh my gosh! It's so beautiful!" she gasped.

"Yeah, now get out," snarled Ollivander.

So, after a few hours of helping upset people (no one but Ollivander rejected Ophelia—the Suethor seemed to have thought of warping everyone else's character after the fiasco at Ollivander's), the family drove back to their home, Ophelia holding a purring white cat.

"Platform nine and three-quarters, mother," said Ophelia in answer to her mother's inquiry as to where she should go to get to the school.

"Nine and three-quarters?" was all her mother said, but she decided that she could no longer be surprised in any way after this.

Well, September the first came, and they stood at the barrier between platforms nine and ten. Ophelia was crying sweet tears, her face miraculously staying white and her eyes refraining from getting puffy.

"Oh, watch out, Colin, come on, let's go," said a lady. Her two sons had owls and she could see a wand sticking out of one of the boy's pockets.

Ophelia paused for a moment, then gingerly walked up to them.

"Hello, ma'am…may I please be informed of how to get to Platform nine and three-quarters?" she asked delicately.

"Oh, yes, young g—what are those?" asked Mrs. Creevey, seeing the Sue's wings.

"Oh, um, I'm not a Sue, ma'am, I'm just half-fairy," said Ophelia, smiling lovably.

Mrs. Creevey muttered something under her breath and grudgingly showed the girl how to get through the barrier.

Ophelia got on the train and started looking for a compartment. She saw Draco Malfoy moping around alone, and hastened to go help him.

"What's wrong, Draco?"

Malfoy glared at her, and turned away, saying, "I don't want help from a goody-goody like you."

Ophelia gazed into his eyes, which were filled with pain, and said, "She left you."

"Wtf? Who left me?" cried Draco, startled.

"Hermione. I'm so sorry, Draco. I can help," and she led him to an empty compartment.

They spent the whole five hours talking softly, and the last half-hour, they spent kissing over their tray of candy, every once in a while popping a Chocolate Frog or a Bertie Bott's Every-Flavored Bean into each other's mouths.

In the staff room at Hogwarts, Snape and Dumbledore were bickering.

"Why did you invite a Mary Sue to Hogwarts? Witch or not, I will not tolerate an even worse form of Hermione Granger in my class!"

"Severus, she will be eliminated, do not worry," said the Headmaster, shaking his head.

"You seem to be enjoying all this murder at Hogwarts," sneered Snape, who was enjoying it very much.

"Tell me the truth, now, Severus—is killing a Sue truly murder, or an aid to the society?"

Snape smirked and answered, "The latter, Albus. The latter."

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, the students were filing into Hogwarts, led by Professor McGonagall. Ophelia gasped as she saw the beautiful Great Hall. _This is just like in Cinderella…_

"Abond, Lea," started McGonagall after the Hat had finished its song. Lea was sorted into Hufflepuff. The table erupted in cheers, some people patting the little girl on the back.

"Slaub, Joshua" was sorted into Slytherin, and then…

"Shakespeare, Ophelia!"

As she walked up to the hat, everyone began giggling and whispering to each other.

"I wonder how they'll fix this one?" said Ernie.

"What?" asked Lea Abond curiously.

"Oh, yeah, well, Hogwarts often gets Sues and the students or the professors finish them off, you see. It's really funny to watch."

Lea nodded and turned back to watch Ophelia being sorted.

"Muggle-born Mary Sue, eh? Well, well, well…I see…so you like Mr. Malfoy? Yes…yes…hmm…well, that'll be…it doesn't really matter where I put you, does it? After all, you'll be k—I mean," said the Hat hastily, "SLYTHERIN!"

Ophelia clapped her hands and walked over to a beaming Draco. She fell into his arms and they kissed passionately.

Sorting finished, Dumbledore gave his short speech, and food appeared on the plates.

Ophelia ate delicately, every once in a while feeding Malfoy from her own fork and vice versa. When they were finished, all walked off to their respective common rooms.

"Honey…why do you have those beautiful wings? Can you really fly?" queried Draco Malfoy.

"Oh, my baby," sighed she, running her fingers through the enchanted boy's hair, "Why such silly questions? Of course I can—and I will gladly take you on a flight tonight. It is truly beautiful from up above. You can lie down on my back and I will soar through the heavens."

"Oh Ophelia, will I not be too heavy for thou?" asked Draco worriedly.

"Dost not worrieth, mine darling," whispered she, "I feel no weight when in the air."

And so they escaped out of the girl's dormitory window, Draco kissing the girl's neck from her back.

"Oh, Draco, do stop," giggled Ophelia.

So they spent a few hours in companionable silence. Unfortunately, from down below, an Elven Mary Sue was practicing her archery. An arrow whistled in the air, and hit Ophelia squarely in the right wing. The arrows were conveniently poisoned. The flying girl fell as though in slow motion. When she reached the ground, she was flattened with a loud _splat_, and Draco was left lying on a pile of feathers, flesh, blood, and silk.

"Ew! Why the _hell _am I covered in…blood?" grimaced Draco. He looked at the dead Sue and then at the Elven Sue, who was nearby.

"Oh, shit, another one," said Malfoy, and he ran off to the entrance. Unfortunately, he was spotted by Filch. Fifty points were taken off Slytherin for being out at four in the morning, and he sulked off to bed, _Scourgify_ing his bloody clothes as he went.


	7. Chapter 7: The Ron's Cousin Sue

**Author's Note: **A reviewer or someone on livejournal told me about a Ron'scousin!Sue called Icicle who fell in love with Harry—I based this on that little gem. Too lazy to look up who recommended it. ;D Thanks—you know who you are.

"What the bloody _hell_?" Ron was saying.

"Now, stop swearing, Ronnie! I said 'you have a cousin', it's not like that's anything horrible!" said Mrs. Weasley reprovingly.

Eyesickle, Ron's cousin, had short light pink hair and green eyes with a golden circle around the iris. She wore a long black cloak that reminded Ron irresistibly of Professor Snape, and below it, she had long baggy black pants and a bright red cashmere sweater.

Eyesickle wore countless amounts of jewelry: at least five white-gold chains around her neck, piercings all covering every inch of her ears, bracelets that came up to her elbows—you know the drill.

"Yeah, Won-won, I'm your cous'," sneered Eyesickle, observing her long black talons.

Ron stared at her pink hair for a long moment.

"Why do you have…pink…hair?" he sputtered.

"It grows this way, and I like it, so shut up," she snapped.

Ron gave her a defiant stare and said, "Last time I checked, the only natural hair colors were black, brown, red, blond, and at one point, grey and white."

"Oh yeah? Well, smartarse, my parents dyed their hair pink when they were having me, so I got pink hair naturally! So there!" said the smart little girl.

It was all Ron could do to stop himself from rolling on the floor in fits of laughter, and Mrs. Weasley noticed this: "Now, come on, stop bickering, you two, and get to know each other."

Ron preceded Eyesickle up the stairs to his and Harry's room.

"Harry and Hermione are visiting," he said shortly.

When he opened the door, a voice came from inside: "Ron, I thought you went down to get some drinks, that shouldn't take forever anda day."

"Shut up, Harry. By the way, my mum introduced this thing to me," muttered Ron unhappily.

One look at Eyesickle, and Harry was dazed. His untidy black hair was forced back under his trembling hand and his green eyes seemed to glaze over. Ron silently walked over to his bed and started reading _The War Against the Sues_. Ron's "cousin" and Harry stared at each other for a while, until Ron snapped irritably, "If you want to have a staring contest or something more intimate, go somewhere else."

Harry walked up to Eyesickle.

"Hey dear, tell me about yourself," he purred.

"She's got _naturally _pink hair," scorned Ron before he could stop himself.

"Shut UP, Ron!" screamed the Sue, aiming herfinger at him. "Silencio!"

"You're not supposed to do magic out of school…" began Harry. He didn't even want to ask about the wandless thing.

Ron showed Eyesickle a rude hand gesture while mouthing something that looked very much like curses. Eyesickle and Harry walked out of the room.

"Oh Harry, _I _can. I don't go to Hogwarts—I'm a blacke witche. We do blacke magick and we already know all the spells plus some others. We're born with the knowledge," she bragged.

"Wow, Hermione would be interested," said Harry.

"_What _did you say?" gasped Eyesickle.

"I said Hermione would be interested," said Harry, surprised.

"Damn, I thought I'd eliminated her," mumbled the blacke witche under her breath. The Suethor typed up a few words, which included "Hermione" and "died" and "tragic" and "accident".

Harry was dazed for a moment, then came back to life a second later.

"So, what happened to Hermione?" asked Eyesickle.

"She…she…she…she…she…she…" cried Harry.

"She…she…she…she…"

"Died?" said the girl sympathetically.

Harry nodded silently and started to cry, "She…died in a tragic accident. It was so horrible…but…I miss her…"

"Now, now, Harry, it's okay. Let me take your mind off things."

Harry was expecting something more than going to help Molly with lunch, but that is what they did.

"Hi, Aunt Molly!" grinned Eyesickle.

"It's _aw_nt, not _a_nt," corrected Molly.

"No, it's awnt. I'm from America. DUUUUUHHHH," snorted the girl. "My parents moved to the US when I was born and I grew up there! In California. It was a great place to study magick."

Molly bit back an inquiry about Eyesickle's school of magic because she knew she wouldn't like the answer.

"Well, you two, set the tables, then," nodded Ron's mother.

In a matter of seconds, the table was set beautifully.

"NO MAGIC OUT OF SCHOOL!" boomed Mrs. Weasley.

"Oh, don't worry, Molly, I can. I don't go to—"

"Quiet. I don't. Want. To. Know."

Eyesickle snorted and walked off.

"Er—I'll go with her, shall I?" said Harry uncertainly.

"You do that."

Harry set off at a quick pace to the living room, where Eyesickle was shedding blood tears, curled up on a couch. The pink-head's long-fingered, long-taloned hands covered her face, and her knees were tucked under her bum securely. The cherry-pink hair on her head was miraculously neat and shiny. Harry envied it.

He sat on the couch next to Eyesickle, patting her knee. Without warning, she clashed her lips to his.

"MMMMMMPH! WTF! AAARMPH! HERMPHNE!" cried Harry, flailing his arms everywhere helplessly. Ron came bounding down the stairs, wand in hand.

"Oh no you don't!" shouted Mrs. Weasley to Ron. "You can't use a wand out of sch—oh. My. God."

Molly and Ron walked out of the room, leaving Harry and Eyesickle to their business.

So the day came where the students had to buy their new books, and Eyesickle decided go along with them to explore Diagon Alley. She had changed clothes to a long black skirt and a tight crimson bellybutton shirt. Her pink hair was pulled into pigtails and there was at least four tons of makeup on her face. Eyesickle had repainted her two-inch nails: they were now a very bright red. Harry was glued to her side, smelling her perfume and hair.

She giggled, "Harry, that tickles!" as Molly tapped the bricks to get to Diagon Alley. Ron grunted reprovingly and walked through the hole in the wall first. He mumbled something about murder.

"C'mon, let's go to Flourish and Blott's," murmured Ron to no one in particular. Harry and Eyesickle paid him no heed and walked on.

As they passed Eeylop's Owl Emporium, an owl that was perched on the top of the building crapped on the pink-haired Sue.

"OMFG! BEETCH!" she screamed, throwing flames at the terrified owl. Harry patted her arm and quietly told her to calm down, as there were people watching.

Fuming, Eyesickle tucked the flame-thrower (Portable Fire – Throw it at 'em, make 'em jump, then laugh as they fall on their rump! _Made by Weasley's Wizard Wheezes_) back into her pocket, muttered a spell to clean the waste off her gloriously pink head, wrapped an arm around Harry's waist, and continued walking.

"Wow, look at th—"

"WATCH OUT!" shouted Harry.

Hermione had come out of a nearby shop, looking furious and bearing obvious signs of being tied up for a long time. She _Wingardium Leviosa_ed a piano above Eyesickle's head. With a flick of the bushy-haired girl's wand, the piano came crashing down, fast as Krum doing a Wronski Feint, right onto the Sue's head.

Harry passed out; his character had been warped so much these days, and this was one time too many. Hermione muttered "Ennervate" to revive him before turning to the piano. It was cracked along the middle, and a huge pool of bright red blood was oozing out from under it. A bloody foot could be seen peeping out of the side of the piano.

"Well, that's one less Sue," said Hermione happily, leading Harry, still dazed, back to the Weasleys.


End file.
